Bored
by Phoenix Fanatic
Summary: The Tortallans are bored. Very, very bored, and do very, very, stupid things.
1. Kel Wants a Cookie

A/N-I blame sleep deprivation for this.

Disclaimer-If you recognize it, than it's not mine.

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Poor Jonathan. Here he was, king of Tortall, all mighty and powerful, who had unlimited power to gold and silver. And he was bored.

Stupid Scanrans. There they go, not fighting, just co-operating nicely with each other. No progression, no balls, no fighting. Nothing.

He wanted to kill something. Some villagers would do nicely.

"Thayeeeeetttt," he whined, "can I pleasssee go down to downtown Corus and kill some people?"

"No, honey. You did that yesterday, remember?"

He pouted. Both of them were in the throne room, staring at the wall. He stared even harder, as if to try and get something to appear. Then he slouched against the throne.

"Please?"

"No."

"Can I pleassssseeee go and start a war?"

"No, you've done that too many times already."

He sighed. Women were so difficult!

"Can I pleasssssssseeee go to the bathroom?"

Thayet just gave him a sick look.



"George, I'm bored."

"Lass, I realize that."

The Lioness and her husband stood on one of the guard towers, scanning the distance for enemy armies. Or really just something. Anything. Nothing was moving in the distance. Actually, nothing was moving at all.

She put her spyglass to her eye.

"George! What's that?"

"What?" he took the spyglass.

"There! In the top left corner!"

"Lass, that's your fingerprint."

"Oh."



Daine and Numair sat on a log. They were on the road, finishing their mission assigned from Jon. It was to find a cure for boredom. So far, they had none.

"Maybe…" Numair muttered.

"Maybe what! Maybe what!" Daine shouted.

"If we all spent out time wondering how to cure being bored while we're bored, maybe that will cure boredom!"

"But if we are trying to find a cure for boredom while we're bored, and that will just make us more bored, since it is pretty boring looking for a cure for boredom."

"But," Numair said, taking a deep breath, "If we all are looking for a cure for boredom, maybe that will be boring, but yet it won't be boring because we have something to do, and therefore it won't be boring looking for a cure for boredom!"

"But then if _that_ happened…."



"Meathead, you're a healer. It won't hurt that much if we practice just once more!"

"Kel! We've been doing this for the past month!"

She sighed and tossed her practice sword aside. They were standing in the practice courts, doing…nothing. Just standing there, too bored to do anything.

"Maybe if we talked to Jon we can start a war…something. Maybe a food fight war! Yes, we can fill the catapults with vegetables! Then they'll eat them!"

"Kel…are you…sane?" Neal asked.

A glint filled her eyes.

"Me...want...cookie...tired...of...vegetables..."

She picked up the practice sword, and started walking towards Neal in a zombie-like way.

Neal screamed and ran away.



"It is not a fingerprint!"

"Lass, yes it is!"

Alanna sighed.

"No, George, it's an invading army."

He was just about to retaliate that armies aren't big fingerprints when a scream interrupted them. It was Neal.

Alanna grabbed the back of his shirt.

"Squire! Why are you screaming?"

He paled.

"Kel…"

"What about Kel?"

"Kel…wants cookie!"

"No!" Alanna gasped. Even George looked shocked.

"We must stop her! Once you have a cookie, you will never eat vegetables…again!

"Mithros, no!" George shouted.

"Let's split up. I'll take her room, George, the kitchen, and Neal, wherever you won't hurt yourself."

Then they ran off, in search of Kel.



A/N-This was written for pure enjoyment for me. I had fun. And yes, there will be a second chapter.

Please, no flames, I am highly aware of the stupidity content. Based on **Jamie** **August**'s fic '**To Seek Out New Forms of Entertainment**', especially the spyglass part.

Please review!


	2. THE BOREDOM BUNNY!

A/N-Written after eating chocolate. You've been warned.

Disclaimer-The characters aren't mine; I'm just borrowing them for this increasingly random story.

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When they ran off in search of Kel, none of them got very far.

She was standing in the doorway.

"Kel!" shouted Alanna.

"Me…want…cookie…"

She held out her arms. Neal let out the most, high-pitched, feminine scream anyone had ever heard.

Kel's eyes changed.

"Me…want…. squeaky boy…."

"You want the squeaky boy? You can have the squeaky boy." Alanna pushed Neal towards Kel.

George, by that point, was bored. Again.

"Alanna!" Neal shrieked. "What will she do to me?"

"Whatever she wants. Goodbye, squeaky boy. Try not to kill yourself. Don't play with sharp objects."

And Kel dragged Neal out of the doorway, where no one knew of his fate.



Poor Jon. Still bored.

"Thayetttttttt?" he asked.

"Yes, Jonny-poo?" his wife asked.

"I'm boreddddd."

"Men really do have short-term memory, don't you remember saying that…five seconds ago?"

"Thayetttttt? I'm boredddd"

He broke out crying.

"It's ok, look, look, if you _really _wanted to, I bet we can go down to Corus and secretly kill some commoners!"

Jon immediately brightened. He happily skipped out of the throne room.

_Crying can get you anything!_ He cheerfully thought. Nothing like a couple of killing's to brighten a king's day.



Daine and Numair were still arguing about how being bored could actually cause a cure for boredom, because if you were looking for cured for boredom than you wouldn't be bored, unless the task of looking for a cure for boredom could be boring.

But then, right in the middle of Daine's speech, a bunny appeared in front of them.

"Hark!" the bunny said. "Bow down…to…**The Boredom Bunny!**"

Daine shrieked, and cowered.

"Daine! What's this?"

"**The Boredom Bunny!** He's the cause of all boredom!" she said through sobs. "I mean, he's so important that the name **The Boredom Bunny! **has to be written in bold _and _have and exclamation mark after it!"

"Not in bold!" Numair gasped.

"In bold indeed. Now bow, you idiotic humans!"

They both obliged.

"Why are you here?" Numair asked.

"To kill you! Muhahahahacoughcoughhahahaha! When I heard you were trying to find a cure for boredom, I knew I must stop you!"

"So…how will you kill us?"

"By boredom! Muhahahahha!"

Numair shook his head.

"That was the worst 'Muhahahahhahahaha' I've ever heard. Emphasis on the 'Mu', not the 'ha'."

"You mean like this? MUhahahahahahahaha." **The Boredom Bunny!** said.

"Better," Daine continued, "but now put more body motion into it. Feel it, feel it!"



While Daine and Numair were instructing **The Boredom Bunny!** on how to Muhahahahhaha properly, Neal was in Kel's quarters.

"Squeak!" Kel shouted at him. "Squeak!"

They were sitting on the floor, Kel trying to get Neal to 'squeak".

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Look…you like vegetables right? How 'bout we sneak down to the kitchens, steal some vegetables, and bombard the castle? Then you can get obsessed with something else."

"Vegetables…"she said, eyes dreamy. "VEGETABLES!" she screamed.

"Yes! Vegetables indeed."

They snuck down to the kitchens. Unfortunately, all of the vegetables had been eaten by something called **The Boredom Bunny! **who had recently come to Corus.

"Need…something…catapult…" Kel said.

Her eyes found a cow, who was in the farms nearby. It moo-ed.

"MOO!" she shouted. She went to four legs. "MOOOOOOO"

Neal was happy at this outcome, although Kel kept switching things she was obsessed with.

Dom walked by.

"So Kel's a cow, I see."

"Yep."

"Interesting. She's going to have to be milked soon."

Neal stared at his cousin in disgust at what he was implying.



A/N-O.o that was interesting, I shocked myself there. Look out for chapter three! Randomness is good. Please review!


	3. The Demise

A/N- Be warned. I'm back. -cue Jaws music-

Disclaimer- What author would want to claim responsibility for THIS?



Jon giggled. He giggled again. He liked to giggle. Maybe he should giggle more.

"Jon?" Thayet poked her husband. "That was weird."

"What was?"

"Why did you giggle?" Thayet poked him again.

"I did not giggle. Giggling is for girls. Men chuckle."

"Gods, Jon, it was a giggle. Oh, oh, look! An innocent commoner! Why don't you go and rob him of his life savings?" She pointed in the direction of a man who looked like he would drop dead in the next five minutes.

Jon's eyes lit up.

He ran over to the man. "Excuse me, commoner, but, BY MITHROS IS THAT A SQUIRREL?" He pointed into nearby brush.

"Where? Where!" asked the man, wheeling around. "You mean a medium-sized rodent of the family Sciuridae that (unlike deer or rabbits) cannot digest cellulose which therefore means they must rely on eating foods that contain fat, carbohydrates and protein?"

Jon had understood about five of the thirty-five words the man said. "No… I mean a squirrel. The fuzzy things."

"A SQUIRREL?" The man ran over to the brush, but before he did, Jon grabbed at his pockets and took out his life savings…about two silver nobles.

"Honey, look!" he showed Thayet the money. "I made money _all by myself_. And now you can't go around telling everyone it's _you _who keeps Tortall from collapsing into civil war!"

He skipped along back to the palace.



**The Boredom Bunny! **was tired of learning how to Muhahahaha correctly with Daine and Numair. "I'm bored," he declared.

"Really?" asked Numair. "How redundant."

**The Boredom Bunny! **glanced at them both. "What do you do when you're bored?"

Daine and Numair exchanged looks. This was their chance….they were both hungry…

Lightning flashed in the distance. Rain came pouring down. "We hunt…" said Numair, voice low. "For **Boredom Bunnies!**"

**The Boredom Bunny! **shifted in his seat. "Umm…I see one! Over there, in the bush! Go, human! Go for the hunt!"

"I think I see a perfectly good one right here…"



Poor, unfortunate Neal. Here he was, a knight in the mighty realm of Tortall. Ready to go off gallivanting in the woods, to save young, blonde, curvy princess from the highest tower in the tallest castle from evil beings-

"Neal, you should really milk Kel!"

"WHAT?"

Dom laughed. "Cows need milking. Kel's a cow. Two and two, Meathead."

"But...but…the anatomy isn't right!" Neal spat out.

"You can milk a goat, right? And dogs give milk? So why not Kel?"

"Fine! I'll milk Kel!"

Dom went away, whistling to himself. He walked until he found himself outside of Alanna and George's quarters. He walked in, and nearly had his head cut off by a surprisingly-calm Alanna. If she had been in a bad mood, he would have been decapitated then and there.

"Dom!" she yelled. "What if I had been indecent?"

"Then I would –I mean wouldn't- have taken advantage of you!"

She gave him a twisted look. "If that's not pedophilia, I don't know what is."

"Eww, Alanna! You're more than a decade older than me! Go play with George. Be nice, don't bite."

Alanna gave him an even weirder look.

"Ugh, you know what I mean! Not like _that_, I meant play nice with _swords _and _knives_!"

She shook her head. "You have a sick, sick mind Masbolle."



Neal burst into Alanna's quarters. He held up a jar of…milk?

"See? I _can _milk Kel!"

Dom stared at the jar, and then at Kel who was still on four-legs beside Neal. "Moo?" she asked.

Dom fainted.

"Oh, what you can do when you bribe maids into giving you fresh cow milk," he told Alanna.



"Pass the tail?" Daine asked, reaching for the bowl which held part of the remains of **The Boredom Bunny!**

"You should really try the hindquarters," commented Numair, ripping meat out of such part. "It would go well with gravy. Shame we don't have any out here."

Daine chewed slowly, a thought coming to her mind.

"Numy…" she asked.

"Yes, dear? And please don't call me that. Only rabid fan-girls in the village do."

"Sorry, Sweetilpums…anyways, if we just ate **The Boredom Bunny!**, than we can't be bored, right? Because the evil villain is dead?"

"You're _right_! We solved Tortall's problem with boredom! When we tell Jon it'll be money, girls and parties all around! Or, in your case, money, boys and parties!"

Daine grinned.



All across Tortall, boredom starting retreating. Scanrans picked up their weapons, ready to start war and killing. The royal planners decided to have a 'Spring Fling' dance. A progression was marked to occur in two years' time. Jonathan regained some fraction of sanity, but occasionally had an itch to go and play with squirrels.

An ill wind blows once and a while, and sends a shiver down backs of people who were there the Day of Boredom.

Everyone knows what that means.

**The Boredom Bunny! **may strike again.

Will the Tortallans be ready?

Who knows…



A/N- I am _weird_. Hope that cured some of your boredom, for those of you being stalked by none other than **The Boredom Bunny! **himself. Thanks go to my evil rabid plot bunny who had a cameo as the aforementioned bunny. Muchas gracias to my reviewers out there as well. :D

See y'all later,

-Phoenix, that crazy teenager who is bored _way _to often for the sake of FFN


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